Thank you, voters! :clap clap clap clap: Thank you, voters! :clap clap clap clap:
Liquor is on it’s way to Coweta County in the form of stores! No more are the days where we must go to Peachtree City to buy the alcohol that helps us deal with the regret from going to Peachtree City! Gone are the days we travel Atlanta just to get our hands on that sweet, sweet bottle of vodka (or our hands on that sweet, sweet shopping cart full of used needles and empty bottles of vodka).
Life will now be simple. Alcoholics, welcome to Coweta! “The City of Liquor” or whatever the new slogan is. Something dumb.
But now that we are one step closer to getting the good-good drunk, we move on to the MUCH MORE important question: what are we to call our liquor stores?
Can you imagine, after all this, we call it something stupid like “Newnan Liquor” or “Senoia Package Store” or “Uh oh, you guys”? No. Those are all terrible names. Our cities deserve so much more and I, the great and powerful Harold, am here to give you the FOUR liquor stores we have to get.
Crooks Liquorplace
I think we all know that Crooks Marketplace is edging on inferiority thanks to Publix, but that doesn’t mean Crooks has to become irrelevant. Imagine, if you will, the same high prices, elder ownership, and 1930s vibe that made Crooks must-see, but in a liquor store.
Teenagers bagging your $85 whiskey while Mr. Crook watches you from the back, making sure you’re not “one of those people.” You gotta love it.
ROUNDABOUT SOBRIETY
You can be never-sober, fully-sober, or roundabout-sober. One is incredibly unhealthy, one is incredibly boring, and one is adorable.
If there’s one thing more important to Newnan than pretending like “City of Homes” actually means anything, it’s driving through our sweet ass roundabouts. It’s truly what makes us who we are. If we drove straight and got to use 4-way stops and red lights, we could go home for a peaceful nights sleep. But we can’t. It’s not who we are. We are the circles. We are the rounds. We are the brake lights that we force on one another. And how do we treat this reality we’ve stuck ourselves in? A stiff drink and a soft lover. Soft all over (sorry ladies…)
SPRAYBERRYS ANONYMOUS
If you ask locals how they feel about Sprayberry’s BBQ then the reviews are consistent: “EW!”
But the business continues to boom and the family continues to prosper (good on them!) which means there are thousands of people afraid to admit the truth: “Hi, my name is Harold and I’m a Sprayberry’s customer.”
You love it. You have a hard time admitting it. And you need help.
Let’s bring these like-minded people together, give them a plate of BBQ, a chance to open up, and sell them some tequila while we’re at it.
TOTALLY NOT A NEWNAN POLICE OFFICER UNDERCOVER
“Hi, citizen. I am not a police officer. My name is Peter. Please come and buy all sorts of alcohol. Do you plan on purchasing for you or an underage friend? You can tell me. I am not a police officer. Can we follow you home to make sure you get there safely? I am not interested in if you’re drinking and driving. I promise. I am not a police officer. My name is Peter. Is your ID legitimate? I won’t check. I promise. I’m just Peter. Not a police officer. Can you place your hands on the back of your head for me? Just for fun. I am Peter.”
Newnan Time with Harold 