February 3, 2023

Originally posted the week of the park opening

I have stepped where the legends stand (legends being middle schoolers that can do a kick-flip)! I have run through the fountain of youth (the water that sprays out of the ground until the timer runs out)! I have felt the sun on my face, the wind in my mustache, and the fear that “There’s no way this kid isn’t going to slam into me! He’s going so fast!” I have experienced the new CJ Smith Park (found here!) and have lived to tell you – it is amazing!

Let’s get this out of the way, I can’t skate! In fact, I am so bad at skating that I can barely walk! I just fall over randomly, faceplant and all. But the joy of being a mediocre-looking white guy without any talents is that I attract the exceptional. My wife? She’s a roller derby player. My step-daughter? She can skateboard. My grandfather? Well, he’s the caregiver to his Alzheimer’s suffering wife and that’s the most impressive of all!

People around me can do great things and this skate park is the place for them! But you can’t expect me to just sit on the sidelines and twiddle my diddles while everyone else has all the fun! You can hope I will, but you can’t expect it!

So, for an average Joe like me (slightly above average Joe… ladies?) I wanted to check it out for the most important reason: to take photos and make jokes about it! Before I can slap it with perfect photoshopping, I’d like to try and give an honest review of the place, starting off with the GOOD!

Good?

The place is beautiful! Just stunning. If I wasn’t already married (and didn’t have a bad past experience dating a skate park), I’d be all over this place! The grass looks like it was pulled from the latest Skyrim mod, the sidewalks are clean and bright, the playgrounds burst with colors, and the skating area looks like it was designed by people who knew what they were doing, then wanted to show off a little bit with what they could do.

I don’t understand the majority of what I saw in the skating area. The last time I skated was with Tony Hawk on N64 (and I sucked at that too). But everyone who could skate–ages ranging from my creepy uncle to five years old–seemed to understand the flow of traffic and how each portion was meant to be used. In my three hours there, I never saw a single wreck.

More so than that, I never saw someone even get frustrated with another skater! The only complaining I heard from anyone was Bearded Dad who was mad that his daughter wasn’t sitting exactly where he told her to. Just go home, Beardo! Fun places weren’t meant for you!

I guess in my judgmental mind, there’s no way adults will respect kids or that lib-kids will respect adults. But when you watch the skaters go right ’round, right ’round, you’re reminded that a shared passion can bring anyone together. The respect was shared by anyone brave enough to skate.

The playground area was perfect. Not only were there different things to do for all ages (though I saw every single age go down the monster slides), but you could also see the entire park from the playground. The layout of this place is fantastic. A park not afraid to have empty space leads to zero eyesores and all parents at peace. I could see both my kids, who were never playing together, at any time.

But what sucked?

A few things. Not many. But a few.

Parking was not easy, but you could blame that on me arriving at peak Saturday afternoon times. Leaving was not easy, as the roads around the park are very small and very crowded and potentially were one-way streets that I overlooked. But I made it out with my car alive!

The playground was great for my small one and the skatepark was great for my big one. But if you can’t skate and your hips are too juicy for swings and slides, you will get bored within a few hours. But guess what? It’s not about you, Harold! Geeze.

The bathrooms. Oof. I think this was the area that you would expect to be awful and it will not let you down! Toilet, sink, and dryer were all motion-sensor activated and none of them were working. So if you wanted to hide your pee, too bad! You’re just adding to the Great Witch Brew in the toilet. But hopefully by this point you’ve started bringing hand sanitizer everywhere you go (COVID and all), so you can just skip over the sink that will refuse to give you water.

And before you leave the bathroom, make sure you say “goodbye” to the large pile of toilet paper sitting next to the toilet… just watching you… knowing no one will risk digging into it.

In my few hours there, I saw a Newnan Police Officer drive by at least three times. This should really go into the good category, but Imma leave it here to try and piss off a Republican.

All in all, the place is amazing, though doesn’t offer much for a non-skater like me. It will be a wonderful place to bring your family members that can skate. You can’t? Bring a good book or a really long stick.

The letter grade represents a fair and balanced review.

The minus or plus represents my personal, selfish feelings on it all.

A-

While it gives something for most family members to do, it misses the mark on those of us who are bad at skating and have too thick of hips for the playground. Still, you will not find a nicer skatepark in Georgia.