:Bark:
:Ruff:
:Growl:
:Crawff:
You hear that? That’s the sound of a dog (and I think a crow at the end) calling out for you, fine citizens of Coweta County. Because this metaphorical dog/crow knows that it’s time we take a deep dive into the perfect cuddly-wuddly for all of the fine cities in Coweta County.
Yes, our incredible team of one guy has worked tirelessly over the last week, traveling through the wastelands of Coweta, trying to determine the perfect animal that captures the essence of our people! It wasn’t easy. One time, I had to stop what I was doing and speak to a Moreland local. I am still vomiting from it. Literally, my keyboard has vommo chunkies deep inside the keys. Every time I hit the space bar, a lil vommy squirt gets on my shirt.
DISGUSTING.
But alas! I have done it! I have found the perfect animal for each City in Coweta County.
Is there anything I can’t do?
Satisfy my wife and a cartwheel.
Drum roll, Steve….
Senoia – White Fluffy Dog with Crusty Eyes
You know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t know the breed for these little demons, but when you see one, you know to get the hell away from it as fast as possible!
Now, the thing about White Fluffy Dog with Crusty Eyes is that it initially appears lovable. I mean, who doesn’t like a fluffy dog? And white as a fresh, rare, Georgian snow? Delightful! On the surface, this is the most approachable and elegant pup in town.
But once you get pass it’s initial welcoming fur coat, and you look deep into it’s eyes, you see the facts: “well this place is disgusting.”
Thanks to it’s history in the film business and it’s bustling downtown, Senoia lures you into a sense of comfort that makes you want to go from visitor to resident. But I assure you, the yapping is there, the uncontrollable shaking is there, and those CRUSTY SOULLESS EYES are ALWAYS there!
Sharpsburg – Beluga Whale
If there’s one thing we can all agree on about Sharpsburg, it’s that it doesn’t matter. It’s not the prettiest, it’s not the nastiest, it’s not the richest, it’s not the poorest, it’s not the most fun, and it’s not the most boring. Sharpsburg is just “WHATEVER!”
I am a resident in Sharpsburg. We have things. We have some places to eat, shop, and take our kids to school. But no matter where you go in Sharpsburg, you will be met with the blandest version of it in the County.
So what animal is pointless? What animal is kinda interesting, but really, just a boring, useless, blob of nothingness? It won’t offend you, but it won’t mesmerize you.
There is only one: the beluga whale.
The beluga whale is when you have a bar soap that slips off the side of the tub and lands in your bath–just floating along. It’s not going to hurt you or anything, but damn it, it’s annoying when it bobs over to you and keeps bouncing off your titties.
The Beluga Whale is the most boring of whales. Imagine Free Willy, but it’s about a fat, old Beluga Whale just flappin’ around like a slut. Awful. Would not see. No thanks.
Sharpsburg is a Beluga Whale.
Turin – A Stick Bug
You’ve probably driven by one. You’ve probably touched one. You’ve probably lived near one. You’ve probably spent hours with one. But you almost definitely had no idea.
The Stick Bug. It looks like a stick. It moves like a bug. It’s existence is ignored unless it’s shoved right in your face.
Unless it’s made incredibly obvious, no one knows they’re in Turin. To us, we go from Sharpsburg to Senoia and drive by some woods to get there. Freakin’ Barbie Beach has more of a presence than Turin does. If I asked you to describe Turin in a few words, I can guarantee the words would include “sticks” and “bugs” (and probably “what the hell is a Turin?”)
Newnan – The Mockingbird
For those that have spent their lives in Newnan, the City could be described as beautiful, majestic, full of (bird) houses, and unique.
But the truth of Newnan is that it’s been in an identity crisis now for decades. Newnan has no idea what it wants to be and who it wants to be for. Instead of leaning into what made it such a special destination, Newnan has attempted to mimic other cities in Georgia that may appear more modern or sophisticated.
There is no logical reason for a City to have as many roundabouts as Newnan does. But you know what? Other busier cities have them, so LETS GO BABY!
The amount of apartments being built up is illogical for what Newnan has to offer. But guess what? Atlanta has a bunch of ’em!
Family owned restaurants and local diners? Those aren’t Waffle Houses and Chic-Fil-A! Have you seen how many copy-and-paste stores Peachtree City has? Yo! Let’s do that!
Newnan has no idea how to be Newnan.
Just like a stupid Mockingbird doesn’t know how to be a bird.
God, birds are dumb…
Newnan Time with Harold 