I’ve been slappin’ and scrappin’ the ole ABKeys as Harold for over three years now and I’ll be completely honest with all of you since we are basically family, I feel bad about myself. All of this power. All of this OOZING popularity. So much influence. I sneeze and three new roundabouts are built. But with all this ability at my fingertips, what have I done with it?
Brought laughter to literally hundreds of thousands of people? Psh. So!
Created a space for people to learn the importance of laughing at themselves with their neighbors? Dumb!
Made fun of Peachtree City, the devil’s pierced nipple? Blech!
All of that is nothing when you look around and see the world crumbling. How can laughter do anything when World War 3 is at our backdoor and Taylor Swift is ruining our football?! Harold not only has to STAND FOR SOMETHING but we all HAVE TO support Harold in whatever he does as his GOOD DEED.
Choosing not to support me makes you a bad person (move on over to Grantville…)
I had to think, “How can I change Newnan without doing too much work?” and settled on a few ideas:
- Harold’s Charity of Charitable Promisers
- This charity is made up of like-minded charitable people like me who promise they’d be more charitable if their situations allowed it. You can find people like us all over social media commenting on situations to criticize other people’s lack of charity. In our free time, we drink red wine out of the bottle.
- Super Sprayberry
- I have been sort of a bully when it comes to Sprayberry’s BBQ. So much so that they had to sell their secondary, abandoned, graffiti-covered, infested, disgusting, eyesore building to QuikTrip just to make ends meet. But perhaps it’s time we finally make peace and I take to the streets and fight against the critics of our city’s favorite almost real food establishment!
- A Real Big Van
- A 17-passenger vans are a great way to serve the community and it would be even better with Harold behind the wheel! We could be what the Newnan Trolley failed to be and we won’t need an ugly paint job to be it (we’ll have an ugly paint job just because I can’t paint for sh*t).
- Mustaches Across Coweta
- OK. This is my favorite idea. My life pre-mustache was a SHELL of what it is now. I lacked confidence, my sex drive was a teaspoon in a dishwasher, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, no one would kiss me, and no one would call me Harold. God literally whispered to one of his angels “Old naked face ain’t ever coming to heaven.” But now? I’m confident! Yes. all the other stuff is still true, but I sure don’t feel bad about it anymore!
- So imagine a Coweta where every man, woman, grandma, and child is brushed by the bristles of Father Nature and is shining bright with that nose pillar turning into a butterfly! Mustaches Across Coweta doesn’t just solve the ugly face problem, it solves a world peace problem… I promise.
Newnan Time with Harold 