Alan Jackson is full of classics: Remember When, Livin’ on Love, Where I Come From, It’s Five O’ Clock Somewhere, the other songs on the first list I found off Google.
But does any song hold quite as much OOMPH as “Chattahoochee”? Sure, it’s not going to bring firemen to tears or be in the first dance between you and your hubby. But what it lacks in social importance, it makes up for in talking about water a lot and almost sexual assault, but then he’s like, surprisingly respectful and drops her off at home before drinking WID DA BOYZ.
If there’s one thing I can relate to from Mr. Jackson, it’s having my sexual advances turned down. I feel you, Alan. But not like “feel you” feel you–I don’t want to fog up your Chevy!
Alas, those who wander into the abyss of Newnan Time with Harold, we must take all great things and mold them into anew!
Now, I know what you’re thinking “Wouldn’t the song ‘Where I Come From’ make more sense as an Alan Jackson song to parody?” and to that I’d say “BE PATIENT! He’s got a really big discography and I’ve only got 9 fingers to type with. We’ll get to them all, but next up is his hit single ‘Chasing the Neon Rainbow’ and you’re gonna hate the gay anthem I turn that into.”
You people…
Way down yonder near the Chattahoochee
We do graffiti of the goochy-coochy
We left our rubbers on the Kroger asphalt
We got a little crazy but we never got caught
At East Coweta on a Friday night
Appropriate a Culture in the pale moonlight
Talking ’bout trucks and dreaming ’bout trucks
Never met a girl that we didn’t wanna… kiss.
Yeah way down yonder near the Chattahoochee
Never knew how bad them roundabouts would get to me
But I took off my mask and I learned how to cuss
A lot about Lenn and a little ’bout Wood
Well we fogged up the windows in my lifted Chevy
I was willing but she wasn’t ready
So I settled for a zombie who just couldn’t say no
We both got brain before we either got home.
At East Coweta on a Friday night
Appropriate a Culture in the pale moonlight
Talking ’bout trucks and dreaming ’bout trucks
Never met a girl that we didn’t wanna… kiss.
Yeah way down yonder near the Chattahoochee
Never knew how bad them roundabouts would get to me
But I learned of some Women who would Chat to keep calm
A lot of hot gossip and some even hotter moms
Yeah, way down yonder near the Chattahoochee
Never knew how bad them roundabouts would get to me
But I learned of a man ready for the backlash
A good lookin’ boy with a gorgeous mustache
A good lookin’ boy with a gorgeous mustache.
– Harold through the spirit of Alan Jackson –
Phew. I’m glad I was still able to make it about me! That was a close one.
Newnan Time with Harold 