OK! OK! CALM DOWN! Put down your little Arts N Crafts Pitchfork you made in Third Period, ya nerd. Let me explain:
This is in no way trying to downplay your amazing memories of letting Jeremy hand-puppet you behind the Audrey II. Imma leave the memories alone. Those are yours. What I am aiming to do is set up your children to have even BETTER memories because, let’s be honest, Newnan High School might be cursed.
The Tornado tried to get it.
I wasn’t invited to prom.
The Movie Studios try to steal it.
Cooties!
But most importantly, my child is now in the NHS district.
That’s NHS (Newnan High School), not NHS (Newnan Humane Society). She ain’t going to school with an old herpes cat named Princess Tinyfeet.
As a semi-responsible parent, it is my duty to prepare my child for the real world. Sometimes that means preparing them for things outside of my control, other times it means removing things for everyone that make me slightly uncomfortable: High School makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Do we need some Harold Homework? I was homeschooled. Which, I know, explains why I am suck a magnificant writir and also a terrible kisser with anyone that isn’t a blood relative. And being homeschooled isn’t so bad at a young age. Like, what am I really missing out on? Getting the common cold, finger painting, and eating grapes that I JUST brought from my house? Keep it. Except for the grapes. I’ll take those with me.
But losing out on public HIGH SCHOOL LIFE has always haunted me. High School looked like a magical, completely safe, sexually adventurous, time. Did you know I didn’t lose my virginity until Tuesday? But for me, High School was spent click-clacking on our home computer and then meeting friends at CHURCH. And I’ll tell you something, I had 12 male friends just like Jesus did and they wouldn’t taste anything that I said “was my body” 😦
But I look at HS now and it’s not how I remember pretending it would be.
Safe? No!
Romantic? More like break-uptic!
Friends? I’m not friends with anyone that’s in Newnan High School and believe me, I’ve tried. Is this joke too far? Y’all lemme know.
Educational? Why would that even matter…
I think it’s time we stop thinking “What can Newnan High School do for the community?” and start thinking “Does Harold want Newnan High School to be around?” and then we do whatever I want. When was the last time we came together and did exactly what I wanted? The opening of Whataburger? Psh. That was like a week ago!
“But Harold, I’m still not convinced. My kid loves Newnan High School.”
– Selfish Samantha
And you’re implying you love your kid more than you love me?
Well, problem #1 has been established.
In order to prepare an argument to keep you from loving your kid too much, I scooted over to Newnan High School’s official website to collect PROOF that our tax dollars could be better spent supporting home-schooling everyone in the NHS district. Unfortunately for my grumpiness, I started finding some really cool stuff on the website.
Like this, for example. This is adorable and I love it (and you can order one here). Almost more than I love the idea of forcing my child into an underground bunker with Windows XP throughout her high school years…
This link takes you to a Dress for Success slideshow that makes it so painfully clear what will be considered OK and NOT OK clothing that if you still get a ticket (do they write tickets in public school?) then you must’ve been trying for one.
And while I still think “Not Wearing a Fake Mustache” should count AGAINST you, it’s a good start at least.
Hello High School * Student Orientation *
is a colorful square right on the home page that takes you directly to an Error 404 (NOT FOUND) page! And if that’s not a very clever lesson in “Life is full of lies and disappointments” then I don’t know what is. Very clever, NHS.
OK, there is a small chance that I may have jumped the rope in demanding we abandon Newnan High School, but maybe we should at least consider Bomb Shelter Homeschool in the Year 2029, and until then I will keep an open mind, and my tuxedo pressed in case a prom invite shows up in my mailbox.
Newnan Time with Harold 