Make Newnan PRO TRUMP

Note: This was written pre-assassinEARtion attempt

If there’s one thing we lack in Newnan, it’s support for the D.J.T Rumpelstiltskin Daddy! While it is true that Newnan came out in support of Trump in the last election, it wasn’t enough support to turn the entire state of Georgia for Trump. If you’re going to vote for the guy, you need to find a way to inspire every vote in front and behind you as well! WE CAN DO BETTER!

So, with Trump revving up his PriOTUS for another White House stay, we have been silently putting together our game plan. How do we make Newnan even MORE Pro-Trump? We got you:

Joe Biden Halloween

We are only a few short months away from trick-or-treating with our kids, but if there’s one way we can make this election different from the last, it’s by getting the kids more involved! If your kid can walk, your kid can influence the vote! And while you can find several Joe Biden masks for adults, we need many more Biden costumes for kids.

Sewists, let’s get to work.

Parents, let’s get to disappointing talks with your kids.

“I know you wanted to be Super Mario, but how about Real Sleepy Joe instead? No? Sorry, dude! We’re DRAINING THE SWAMP!”:spank:

Is spanking still legal? I doubt it. Thanks, Kamala.

If spanking isn’t an option you’re comfortable with, remember that kids are easily manipulated. A colorful hat, memorable mantra, and promise to keep drugs out of their school (more importantly, the people carrying drugs) will excite your child! There are many ways to excite our kids to dress as scary-as-hell Joe Biden.

That is the number one sticking point that makes this exciting: Joe Biden is horrifying. He looks like his own ghost is constantly haunting him. Like he’s trying to debate, and suddenly, an omen of his inevitable 2025, a ghost of himself makes eye contact from across the room. Joe! Look out! You’re Dooooooomed ’24!

Kids these days love being topical AND scary–this is the perfect answer, in costume form.

Skip Church

The church is not essential.

I am not saying it’s not beneficial or that you won’t miss it, but going to church several times a week, dressed like a curtain, and listening to a pastor ramble on about the Birds and the Bees and the Bibles takes up a lot of time. I am not saying quit church and never go back; I am saying skip it for now.

Who doesn’t go to church? Hmm? Think about it… think about it…

All Democrats. All Democrats are the answer.

If there is ever a prime time to try and convert the Blue to the Red, it’s Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights if you’re one of those “do too much” churches. But I will focus on Sundays because it’s an off-work day, and Democrats are doing nothing but laughing at the person they hired to cut their lawn. Get out of the church and onto their front porch! God will not mind. Do you think God goes to church? Nope. God is church. He found the loophole! Just be church wherever you go–the going should be to a Democrat’s front door.

:knock knock:

A Witches Brew

OK, this idea is a bit OP. A witch’s brew has the power to turn the tides of not only an election but of the world itself. When dealing with a witch’s brew, we have to be careful when adding Donald Trump ingredients and not adding “End of the World” ingredients—as the two are sort of different.

What you’ll need:

Something orange

A bottle of glue

The guts of a bullfrog

A LEGO police car

A January 6th entry from a One-a-Day Calendar

A deflated soccer ball

A vase of tears

A lie whispered into the ear of a white rabbit

You’ll want to mix it all for 45 hours and then pour it out over the skeleton of a Confederate Soldier. Profit?

Downtown Newnan Funds the Campaign

According to me, Downtown products are “horribly overpriced!” Everyone now chant it along with us: “horrib-ly!” And now those in the back: “over-priced!”

The cute blonde ladies stacking Benjamin’s from selling three shirts do NOT need all that money. No one does. These are the elite of Newnan. The Queens and Queens. The overachiever. The underperformers, but the overachievers. Nothing you ever do will equal 1% of the money made in an afternoon at a Downtown Newnan Clothing Store. Give up! GIVE UP!

Oof, sorry. I am projecting a bit on this one.

With all those extra stacks-on-stacks of money for the sorta-locals-making bank, I believe wealth can be spread. Have you heard of trickle down economics? Designed by Republicans with Republicans in mind, and now we can make it happen: Donald Trump tithe.

Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about tithing:

Deuteronomy 14:22–23: You shall tithe all the yield of your seed that comes from the field year by year. And before the Lord your God, in the place that he will choose, to make his name dwell there, you shall eat the tithe of your grain, of your wine, and of your oil, and the firstborn of your herd and flock, that you may learn to fear the Lord your God always.
Deuteronomy 14:27–29: At the end of every three years you shall bring out all the tithe of your produce in the same year and lay it up within your towns. And the Levite, because he has no portion or inheritance with you, and the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, who are within your towns, shall come and eat and be filled, that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands that you do.
Amos 4:4–5: (God requires more than the tithe) “Come to Bethel, and transgress; to Gilgal, and multiply transgression; bring your sacrifices every morning, your tithes every three days; offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving of that which is leavened, and proclaim freewill offerings, publish them; for so you love to do, O people of Israel!” declares the Lord God.
2 Chronicles 31:4–5: And he commanded the people who lived in Jerusalem to give the portion due to the priests and the Levites, that they might give themselves to the Law of the Lord. As soon as the command was spread abroad, the people of Israel gave in abundance the first fruits of grain, wine, oil, honey, and of all the produce of the field. And they brought in abundantly the tithe of everything.
2 Chronicles 31:12: God’s people faithfully brought in the contributions, tithes and dedicated gifts.
Nehemiah 12:43–44: (God’s people) offered great sacrifices, rejoicing because God had given them great joy. The women and children also rejoiced. The sound of rejoicing…could be heard far away. Men were appointed to be in charge of the storerooms for the contributions, first fruits and tithes.
Nehemiah 12:47: All (of God’s people) contributed the daily portions for the singers, gatekeepers…Levites (ministers).
Nehemiah 13:11–12: I rebuked the officials and asked them, “Why is the house of God neglected?” Then, I called them together and stationed them at their posts. All (God’s people) brought the tithes…into the storerooms.
Malachi 3:7–9: Return to me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD Almighty. “But you ask, ‘How are we to return?’ “Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me. “But you ask, ‘How do we rob you?’ “In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse– the whole nation of you– because you are robbing me.
Malachi 3:11–12: (God says to those who bring him tithes and offerings) “I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not cast their fruit,” says the LORD Almighty. “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land.”
1 Kings 17:13, 8–16: Elijah said to (the starving widow woman), “Don’t be afraid…first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry’…She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family.
Exodus 36:3–6: The people continued to bring freewill offerings morning after morning. So all the skilled craftsmen who were doing all the work on the sanctuary left their work and said to Moses, “The people are bringing more than enough for doing the work the LORD commanded to be done.” Then Moses gave an order…” No man or woman is to make anything else as an offering for the sanctuary.” And so the people were restrained from bringing more.
Matthew 23:23: “Woe to you, teachers of the law…You give a tenth…But you have neglected the more important matters– justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.
Luke 6:38: If you give, you will get! Your gift will return to you in full and overflowing measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use to give– large or small– will be used to measure what is given back to you.
Luke 6:38: Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Luke 18:9–14: He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt: “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Matthew 6:1–4: Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
2 Corinthians 8:2–2: Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints.
2 Corinthians 8:5: They gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will.
2 Corinthians 8:7: Just as you excel in everything– in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness, and in your love for us– see that you also excel in this grace of giving.
2 Corinthians 8:10–11: Last year you were the first not only to give but also to have the desire to do so. Now finish the work so that your eager willingness to do it may be matched by your completion of it, according to your means.
2 Corinthians 8:12: If the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.
2 Corinthians 8:20–21: We want to avoid any criticism of the way we administer this liberal gift. For we are taking pains to do what is right, not only in the eyes of the Lord but also in the eyes of men.
2 Corinthians 9:5: I thought it necessary to urge the brothers to visit you in advance and finish the arrangements for the generous gift you had promised. Then it will be ready as a generous gift, not as one grudgingly given.
2 Corinthians 9:6: Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
2 Corinthians 9:7: Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
2 Corinthians 9:8: God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
2 Corinthians 9:10: Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.
2 Corinthians 9:11: You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.
2 Corinthians 9:12: This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.
2 Corinthians 9:13: Men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.

As always with the Holy Bible, things are a bit unclear and convoluted, but the scripture is sure of one thing: give a Holy man that Holy money! When comparing your pastor versus Donald Trump, we can see that one offers immediate results, loves God, loves people, loves the law, loves his wife, loves being faithful, loves being kind, and the other is a guy you see on Sunday mornings.

If we need to hire someone to be the “tithe man,” I’d happily come by on horseback and collect funds for the Fiend with the Means (that’s Donald Trump’s nickname).

What do you think? Can we make sure Trump is King of Newnan and becomes Downtown Newnan President?