OK, we get it. Newnan hermit crabs do not like apartments, they do not like shopping centers, they do not like singles living in the area (even hot singles), they do not like roundabouts, they do not like roadwork stoppage, they do not like police officers stopping them for breaking traffic laws, they do not like historical homes being torn down, they do not like airtight neighborhoods being built, they do not like people, places, or things that they do not like. Which leaves the obvious question: what do we like being added to Newnan?

The answer to what you’re OK with can’t be “the house I grew up in or another historical, ghost-ridden, uglo calrissian mansion. We have to be able to look at some of the new developments and find something to be excited about–if not for us, then for some stranger who deserves a new dishwasher.

I have done the duty of 100 men and compiled a list of what makes a new property worth celebrating. If it includes any of these amenities, we should be happy that it would exist in our little filthy pad, Prince.

1 A Home with a Pool

This does not mean a “community pool full of dookie and glookie and grookey” but a private swimming pool for you and your family to enjoy. I bought my mother’s home about a decade ago (lol, my wife bought it, and I had zero dollars), and it had a huge swimming pool in the backyard. Did it matter that it also had 1,000 ticks, fleas everywhere, a leak in the sunroom ceiling, and a basement so deep in dog pee that the coyotes wouldn’t go near it? Of course not! Why would you need any of that fixed when you can swim in a pool instead?

We are in Georgia; I only have to tell you if you’re a Viking explorer. Everyone else is quite aware of the Peachstate and its insufferable summers (and sometimes randomly 80-degree winters). If you don’t have a swimming pool, then you know you’ll be asking to borrow someone’s swimming pool. So, if you find yourself upset that a new home with a private pool is arriving in Newnan, chances are you’re a jealous Ebenezer Scrooge, and that big fat hen is your pool-less property.

2 An Open Pet Policy

It goes without saying that a home will allow all sorts of pets–especially one you own, but the rental policies surrounding 3-legged companions can be brutal, unfair, and discouraging. Often, the pet deposit is more money than you make in a month (assuming you work at Junction Lanes), and you’re forced to leave the furries behind in a cardboard box.

Don’t do it!

If we fight the world on pet deposits, we can win. And when we find an apartment with a fair pet policy (however rare a find that may be), we rejoice and “get a room, you two!”

3 No Carpet

Don’t be mad at me, carpet gobblers (that’s a term for loving your carpet so much you want to eat it–nothing else). A home with a floor towel is no home at all. And I don’t mean the majority is a hard floor; I mean the whole thing. I don’t want to have the joy of slipping around in my socks until I turn a corner and faceplant on your kid’s pee-induced carpet. No thanks. No one wants that. The perfect home/apartment is carpet free since ’93.

If we’re welcoming a new neighbor, and it sounds like a tap-dancing number when they move through their home, we should welcome them with open arms. With that said, the rest of us need to go vacuum :sobs:

4 It isn’t “minutes from Downtown.”

If you’ve ever looked for a place to live, you’ve read the supposed praise that the location is “minutes from Downtown!” I understand that Newnan will get cluttered and congested, and we will have areas where it takes 35 minutes to travel 1 mile. It’s too late to undo that. But there is still time to keep some areas relatively sacred. Because somehow, by the grace of development god, Downtown Newnan is still mostly approachable. It could use more parking, sure. It could use less hoity-toity useless stores, of course. But it has yet to become insufferable.

Don’t get me wrong, we are increasingly closer to insufferable territory with every passing moment. But if we can avoid tipping over that ship into ice-cold water, let’s do it. We do not need any more homes/apartments/box houses with the hashtag “minutes from downtown,” we need them to stay far, far away from our beloved square.

What do you think? What do we need to add to the list?