Great Wolf Lodge Lagrange Review

Reality sucks.

You can have one of the best week in years, seeing your child beam with delight at every turn, and then get home and get an email of your “total charges from Great Wolf Lodge.” You must ask yourself, “Are there not better/cheaper options that’ll still make my kid happy?”

This is the plight of being a parent.

Post-divorce has had me worried about two things more than any other: my daughter hating me one day and affording insulin for my Type 1 type of life. I come from a family of divorce. I was about sixteen when it happened, with a brother two years younger and then two older brothers (we are all two years apart), and I personally witnessed the complications and pain that come with parents trying to keep close to their kids. I have faith in myself, of course. I love myself, but I sure am worried that reality is just too hard, and there are too many chances to mess everything up.

This by no means indicates that I will spoil my child, but that I am a paranoid idiot lobster and am trying to be there for her AMAP (as much as possible–obviously). Every kid deserves a summer vacation. Every parent deserves to be poor as hell.

I have a healthy savings account and an unhealthy desire to buy love. When I met my therapist, he began to stretch the importance of scheduling things far into the future to help with my suicidal tendencies. It worked wonders, but I don’t think I have found the magic middle ground regarding the cost of said things.

Great Wolf Lodge is 100% worth the money for the waterpark, but not at all when you start exploring its nooks and crannies.

In this review, I will not say how much I spent or how many smaller-than-me dads I beat up with a lifejacket. Those are facts that will live forever in the Harold abyss. Reviewing each area, I will include how Harold Jr. reacted to her time at Great Wolf (the first time she’s old enough to remember).

The Check-In

We arrived on a Tuesday at 1:30 PM, and the process couldn’t have been more straightforward. I waited in line for no man, got my map and bracelets, and then checked my luggage into their backroom (as our room would be ready at 2:00 PM–still two hours early). The staff was incredibly kind. My employee was so happy to see I was from Newnan and began to talk my ear off about how much they enjoy Ashley Park. Did I agree with their feelings? Never. But I loved the local flavor in Lagrange and getting to know the Wolfies a bit better. Easy, quick, perfect. If you can manage a non-holiday, mid-afternoon check-in, then do it!

While I didn’t have to pay for parking (thanks, God), this will run you $15 a day. The bad news is that the parking lot attendants seem to have no clue how the system works to get you in/out. So, lol, get ready to live in your car, Bohemian Baddy.

The lobby was huge, and Harold Jr had the best time running back and forth and pretending to be a wolf (this will be a theme throughout the entire review)!

Harold: A

Harold Jr: A

The Room

While Great Wolf Lodge Lagrange has setups with bunkbeds and separate rooms, we went the double-queen route. Harold Jr. is ten years old and is over the “little kid-themed beds” way of life. She will respect you as mature if you do the same for her—a free wolf. I have taught her her entire life not to give respect because someone is a wrinkled bone—respect them if they earn it. Age means nothing.

Wait. That could legally bite me in the ass.

Age means nothing regarding respect.

Ahem.

Wait. What the heck is this review about?

Right! We loved the room. The only major complaint either of us had regarding it was the lack of a microwave. Need to microblast a bag of popcorn? Get ready to hike down to the ice machine station, Mason!

Another little quirk about the room was that the TV mount was either broken or purposely tilting heavily to the right. Perhaps that is the Wolf’s POV. Do their eyes always tilt to the right?

While my kid-wolf loved the ability to jump on the beds and be a wolf, I appreciate using an accurate thermostat and sleeping under some reaaaaal comfy blankets.

Be reassured by the room cost ($279 a night) because the rooms come with full access to the waterpark. If you have to drive a ways to get here, take advantage of the room-to-other-hotels cost and try and stay on site. It is the most worth it out of all the costs.

Harold: B

Harold Jr: B (she got to pretend to be a wolf and jump back and forth on the beds)

Adventure Park (I think that was the name? Whatever. It was the not-wet stuff… ladies)

My kid got the “Wolf Pass” (an extra $80), which means she could partake in every non-water attraction at least once during our stay. This badge includes a rope course, putt-putt, bowling, rock climbing, $25 at the arcade, 25% off Build A Bear, free candy, free ice cream, a discount at the souvenir shop, and a Magic Wand adventure that took you all over the park!

That is a lot of stuff, and a kid with less interest in water would’ve probably used all that up and then been begging for more. Harold Jr? Aside from becoming one with her animal soul, Harold Jr has no desire to be intensely athletic. We didn’t bowl. We didn’t climb. We didn’t rope. We didn’t putt. And while we had the most fantastic time building our bear and finding the dozens and dozens of magical moments in the park, it wasn’t worth my money.

That said, I will defend the Magic Wand Adventure as one of the more exciting and fun parts of the park. Sure, most of the time, your wand just lights up a plastic crystal and makes a “shwawsh” sound, but MAGIC IS SUPER NEAT! Even the employees in the magic shop looked like somebody had plucked them from the background of Game of Thrones.

We found a few attractions to be a delight, but the overall pass, cost, and options were not intriguing enough for my Baby Bloodthirsty Wolf.

Harold: D

Harold Jr: C

The Waterpark

You come for the water, and very little about this Water Sliding Wave Pooling Hoop Shooting Lazy Rivering Empire disappoints.

Let’s get the disappointments out of the way. I fully understand how smart it is for the wave pool not to be intertube permitted anymore- that’s taking up most of the space and could be a health hazard for kids caught underneath. But I remember the days that was the norm and how relaxing the wave pool was. If you imagine a wave pool as relaxing, give up that dream! The wave pool is now a crowded-hell-scape of leg endurance and pee-pee water splashing down your throat. And while I wouldn’t say I liked every second of it, it was the favorite of my daughters and my girlfriend’s daughter (who joined us for parts of the adventure).

I’ll also say that Tuesday was a breeze as far as crowds go, but Wednesday (June Teenth) brought in two sets of summer camps and many daycationers. The bad news is “gross,” but the good news is people were so happy here. Not once did I witness a family brawl, a parent yelling at their child, a couple quarreling, or roughhousing getting out of hand. The crowd kept growing, but the respect stayed steady.

The layout of this place is terrific. Aside from a few blindspots when coming in and out of areas, it is easy to get a great view of where your kid might be. Yeah, I let my little wolf run free and tried my best to keep up. Her favorite things to do were the kiddy pool waterslides, lazy river, and (ugh) wave pool. There is also a vast, 4 foot deep, pool outdoors that we frequented often. This pool was my favorite spot, as the sun beating down on it kept the temps merciful and the crowds small. GIMME THEM UVs!

The staff does a beautiful job. These people are like referees in pro wrestling–you don’t need to know they exist until you NEED to know they exist.

Spicy margarita. OK. Let’s talk about this. How can one describe one of the most fantastic alcoholic drinks to be brought down from the heavens? I am never a get-drunk-er. I’m not even a get-tipsy-er. But I would get snorlaxxed and mussy thumped on these little guys. What a perfect drink that I never knew existed. I believe this is the epitome of alcohol, and I will only ever drink these. Goodbye, coffee.

Here are our thoughts on each section:

Wave Pool

Harold: F

Harold Jr: A

Lazy River

A lot of fun in small bursts, but the more people, the more uselessness. I don’t need your family crushing their foot into my crotch every 15 minutes.

Harold: B

Harold Jr: B

Kiddie Pool and Slides

While designed for tikes, we had so much fun sitting, chilling out, and watching the safest possible slide be down repeatedly by my wolf, my GFs kid, and adorable strangers.

Harold: A

Harold Jr: A

Water Playground

The water playground was for kids Harold Jr’s age, with smaller waterslides, activity centers, and a giant bucket of water that falls on everyone after it fills up. While this was fun a time or two, it soon became too much of a slipping hazard to compete with a standard playground, though Harold Jr enjoyed the four slide options included.

Harold: C

Harold Jr: C

Outdoor Pool

Harold: B

Harold Jr: A

Large Waterslides

I am not a thrill seeker, and Harold Jr. wouldn’t use these. Part of my problem is my diabetic neuropathy, which keeps me from doing stairs very well. While my GFBB was with us, we went down twice (on the same slide), and it was fine. It’s not worth the walk for my body, but I can get the fun for those little, lightning-footed fiends.

Harold: D

Harold Jr: Too high

Basketball and Obstacle Course

Next to the slides is a small area where you can play water ball and test your might on a water obstacle course. While my friends and family had no interest in this, it was a great little hidden pocket of the park.

Harold: B

Harold Jr: C

The Food

Let’s talk about the food a bit. The offerings are the standard eats you will find at any amusement park and are priced at (maybe) a lower end compared to Universal, Six Flags, Dollywood, etc. These did fine to satisfy Harold Jr. and worked well with my blood sugar.

Harold: C

Harold Jr: B

VERDICT: If you’re looking for a day trip or overnight vacation idea, and don’t want to break your bitty-piggy bank, avoid Great Wolf Lodge and look up a nature park or an area like Stone Mountain. But if you can save up some coin or pop over for an afternoon, Great Wolf Lodge is one of the most fun water adventures I’ve ever had. Harold Jr was absolutely delighted and enthralled at (almost) every turn, and it’s a memory I’m so happy I made with her at this age, in this part of our love. The staff delivered dance parties, howls, free wolf ears, and a passion for the theme.