Coweta Data Centers Accused of Beaming Internet to Sneaky Turin Freeloaders
In a scandal that’s rocking the digital dirt roads of Coweta County (take me hooooome, to the plaaaaaaace, I belonnnnnng), local Harolds have launched a full investigation into allegations that state-of-the-art data centers, built to power the future of AI, e-commerce, and build into local budgets, are secretly being used by residents of nearby Turin to steal Wi-Fi.
“Yes, I’ve been watching Netflix in 4K on my flip phone,” admitted longtime Turin resident Earl Goolsby, “But who’s to say the Internet really belongs to anybody? That’s communist talk and I didn’t vote for no communist! I didn’t vote at all. But by not voting, I didn’t vote for no communist!”
Originally touted as a sign of Coweta’s booming tech economy, the sprawling data centers were meant to generate jobs and attract innovation. Instead, they’ve apparently drawn Wi-Fi pirates armed with old laptops, coat-hangered antennas, and empty sleeves of Oreos, a sign of protecting internet cookies, according to the Turin Mayor.
“Someone’s been syphoning high-speed Internet using a chicken coop disguised as a satellite dish,” confirmed a member of the Coweta County Sheriff’s Office. “We followed the signal straight from the data center to a barn in the nicest part of Turin.”
Sources close to the investigation revealed that the Wi-Fi theft may have been coordinated via a secret Turin Facebook group called “Moo-Fi Warriors”, where locals exchange tips on “hot signal zones,” ideal tractor parking for signal boosts, the best recipe for chicken noodle soup, how to pronounce Senoia, and how to hide a router inside a scarecrow/boyfriend doll.
“We’re just redirecting what was already there,” insisted Facebook group member Todd Rayburn in a now deleted post. “We’re like Moses, but for bandwidth.”
Project Sail — one of the larger data center operators in the area — responded to the accusations with a carefully worded statement:
“We are deeply committed to community integration, cybersecurity, and not being blamed for people watching ECW wrestling on their ThinkPads.”
Employees report mysterious lag spikes every night around 8 p.m., right when Turin residents are known to gather for “Porchin and Chill,” an outdoor projection movie night that streams HBO Max with a Peachtree City woman’s subscription.
In the meantime, Sharpsburg and Senoia have installed signs near the border reading:
“Wi-Fi is a Lie-Fi in Turin”
As for Earl Goolsby, the self-proclaimed King of Turin released a statement on MySpace:
“Look, I might not have the fastest internet or one of those fancy iPhone refrigerators, but I pay my taxes same as everyone else, even if it is paid in recycled cans and buttons. Just ’cause I live out in Turin don’t mean I don’t deserve to watch my shows like hoity-toitys in Newnan. I’m not tryin’ to hack the Pentagon (again) — I just want to stream South Park without my TV buffering. These data centers came in promising progress and opportunity, but all I’ve seen is them sucking up our power and sellin’ the signal to folks already plugged in. Meanwhile, we’re out here kissing routers to fence posts like it’s the Wild Wild West. We’re not askin’ for handouts just a fair shot at decent Wi-Fi so our kids can do homework, and yeah, so I can laugh at Cartman once in a while without the screen freezin’ on his face mid-insult. Is that too much to ask?”
Stay tuned if your connection allows.
Newnan Time with Harold 