As Newnan’s unofficial Mayor, I have a handful of responsibilities:
- Keep Sprayberry’s Humble
- Keep Newnan beautiful
- Capitalize words Incorrectly on NumErical Lists On my Website
- Try Out New Restaurants
- Never Break the Law
- Avoid Pickleball at ALL Costs
- Play Pickleball if Someone Finally Invites Me
- Send Love Letters to Mayor Keith Brady
- Tell You Who Is Hot
- Ten
And I take all my responsibilities as responsibly as possible. If not me, who? If not now, when? If not in Newnan, where? If I could turn back time, if I could find a way?
These are all fundamental questions that I already know the answers to: no one, never, nowhere, Cher.
I’ve done my fair share of informing and evolving Newnan to be at its absolute best, and it’s now time I enjoy my summer vacation, and oggle hotties that can’t beat me up for it because they wear bodycams. Now, before I divulge, I have a couple of housekeeping explanations I must get to:
Deep cleaning an oven means thoroughly cleaning all interior and exterior surfaces, going beyond a typical wipe-down. It involves removing racks, cleaning the interior, including the door, and tackling tough stains and baked-on grime using specialized techniques and cleaning solutions. This process often involves removing racks, applying a baking soda paste or commercial cleaner, scrubbing, rinsing, and potentially utilizing a self-cleaning cycle (if available and suitable).
Now that we’ve discussed housekeeping, let’s discuss what I mean by “hot.” It’s essential to note that this word will be interpreted differently by everyone, and with the focus on my maximum insight, I will only offer my thoughts on it. Harold has a scale. You can have whatever you want. I have a scale. Feel free to use it anytime, but please note that it is trademarked, and I reserve the right to take legal action if it is used without permission.
THE SCALE YEAH, BABY
Monster
The least attractive a person can be is a monster. I know on its ogre-esque face that sounds way too harsh, and you’re probably thinking Harold sucks for having it on the SCALE YEAH, BABY, but hear me out: this is almost exclusively used when someone’s personality makes them unable to be viewed. You know, the kind of person that triggers every bit of your Vomit Sense (it’s like a Spidey-Sense, but it comes out your mouth and all your walls and usually has chunks of BBQ in it).
But it’s not only that. Imagine you’re going to have a sunbathing day on Barbie Beach and the first thing you come across is a man with a “FAMILY” tattoo across his neck. What are you going to think?
“Wow, family means so much to him that he got a tattoo to let us know!”?
Nah. Monster. My Vomit Sense is tingling!
Monster is the way my mother looks at my other brothers, the way my ex-mother-in-law looks at me (amiright, men?), the way Sprayberry’s looks at flavoring, the way Mayor Keith Brady looks at the finger paintings I send him of us holding hands in a hot tub. Monster is personal.
Exists
Most of the people we see every day don’t leave any type of imprint on our memory–they just exist, completely indifferent, completely inoffensive. When it’s not pointed out to you, you forget you ever even saw them. That’s this level of attractiveness seen here. They’re the extras in Jurassic World running from the Phlacidasaurus or whatever. I don’t know dinosaurs. I watch sports.
Cute
Puppies, my mom, those “what would our baby look like” generators you can do with members of One Direction–being cute is a great place to be. Unlike people who just exist, cute people are the ones who often don’t make our days better in an obvious way. These are the types of people that pop into our memory long after the fact and make us giggle and scribble sunshine in our diaries. Straight people find the same gender cute. If they say they don’t, they’re lying, and the ugliest thing a straight person can do is lie. I’m assuming.
Hot
And these are the people we are talking about today. The ones that linger because we’ve committed personal time to thinking about them. Perhaps we fantasized about them telling us our makeup was cute, or we went back and forth on whether liking their Instagram post would make us seem too eager, or we do finger paintings of us holding hands in a hot tub. These are the types of people who make you ask yourself, “Is winking still appropriate?”
Sexy
It is important to note the Final Boss on the SCALE YEAH, BABY Scale, because I don’t want people to think “I find you hot” translates to “I wanna smush your gushies in/on/across/below/above me.” That type of attractiveness is reserved for my sexy Hanley and NO ONE else! She has exclusive copyright to my smushies.
It’s important to note that, yeah, I look like this. So does my opinion on anything related to attractiveness matter at all? Would you take a slug wedding dress shopping? Exactly.
With all that being said, I would like to extend special thanks to the City of Newnan for promptly and graciously providing me with a list of names/photos of the Newnan Police Department. I have been informed that there are at least five who did not make the email list, as their employment has happened just recently, and they haven’t had their photos taken. This might be an absolute lie, and NPD might be hiding insane hotties from our watchful eyes, but for now, we will believe them. I’ll see your hot faces in 2026, newbies.
I have made a concerted effort not to stalk any of the police officers on social media, as I don’t want these rankings to be based on who has the finest editing skills and filters. You will be judged purely on the photos provided by the City, personal experiences I’ve had, and who slipped me the most cash outside the Circle K (not counting the Civil War coins Blankenship gave me in an old sock).
NOTE: This list serves only to entertain and hopefully make someone giggle a bit. If anyone wishes to have their ranking removed, please contact me and I’ll do so. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable who has the power to arrest me.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Det S Wade – I kept trying to find the spot of “hottest” for Wade, but “elegant” and “respectable” and “professional” kept hitting me. I couldn’t bring myself to write several paragraphs about her being hot, because it felt like she’d be disappointed in me for including her. Does that make sense? I want her to be proud of me.
Number Ten: Brook Bingham
It was just a few days ago that I was browsing through Facebook, looking for homemade donut recipes or to see how successful my girlfriend’s exes had become, when I saw a post about a recruit. And not only was he a recruit, but he. was. hot.
It threw everything off! I had a list of TEN REAL STEAMY OFFICERS set and ready to go, but Bingham Brook broke his way into our Top 10 with ease. I’d argue that Black Mr. Clean (that’s a compliment–Mr Clean is a total babe) could easily make the Top 5 based on this picture alone, but that doesn’t seem fair.
Is he hot? Of course. Does his name sound like a Sexy Werewolf in a romantic novel that I’m reading for the fourth time? Of course. But he’s being graded on a fresh, new picture while his competition is being graded on old work photos. It’s too controversial to give him a spot higher than TEN, even though he looks like an American Next Top Model meets a Boyz II Men reject (but not like, a bad reject. Like a reject that was in the top 4 choices for Boyz II Men, but barely didn’t make it based on his inability to hit a high note).
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get his attention: Remove the bulbs on my turn signals and just do that silly arm thing that cyclists do when turning.
Number Nine: Lt D Poole
Stay with me here. What’s more enticing than meeting a celebrity you think is attractive? Meeting a person who LOOKS like a celebrity you think is attractive.
And not only does Poole manage to look like a celebrity, he manages to look like TWO at the same time, but gives them a fresh coat of paint by adding a smile to an otherwise grumpy celebrity.
Let me take you back to the 90s.
Clinton was playing his saxophone.
The Simpsons were predicting the future.
Babies were still being named classic things like Dale and Kevin.
Bill Goldberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin were the biggest names in professional wrestling.
Growing up as a wrestling fan, the choice between Bill Goldberg and Stone Cold Steve Austin was like choosing between Christianity and Insane Clown Posse. For me, it was always Goldberg. There was something about the silent, brooding, spear-then-jackhammer kind of energy that pulled me in. While Austin was the beer-smashing, middle-finger-waving anti-hero everyone loved, Goldberg felt invincible while Austin was getting tricked by a guy in a suit. All Goldberg was missing was a reason to smile (spearing La Parka wasn’t good enough).
But let’s be real: even if you had a favorite, you couldn’t deny both men had a look. Bald head, goatee, thick neck, intimidating presence. It’s a vibe. It’s the kind of look that’s instantly recognizable, timelessly tough, and immediately hot. Anyone who even remotely channels that aesthetic today gets automatic points. I’d be too nervous to meet Goldberg or Austin, but a police man who is basically Goldberg and Austin but with Santa’s joyful smile? Uhm, yes. Everyday.
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get his attention: Running a backyard wrestling promotion without EMS on site.
Number Eight: Ofc Wootten
More like “woo-she’s-a-tten”, amiright? One of the underratedly attractive celebrities in the Hollysphere right now is Kathryn Hahn, and Wootten has high levels of Hahnitude in this photo. The engaging smile, the calm eyes, the simplistic jewelry, the hair in place, this photo is all around hot and earns Wootten a solid spot at number 8!
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get her attention: Running a lemonade stand on Market Day without a permit
Number Seven: Ofc McGhee
Officer McGhee? More like McGee and Me!
(Does anyone get that reference, or do we need a quick “Harold grew up in a homeschooling Christian household” lesson?)
McGee and Me! is an American Christian television series created by Ken C. Johnson and Bill Myers. The series premiered on June 4, 1989, spanning twelve episodes and one special until its conclusion on June 11, 1995. Each half-hour-long episode centers on Nicholas, his cartoon friend, McGee, and the moral lessons they learn as Nick grows up after moving to a new town. McGee and Me! deals with issues such as honesty (“The Big Lie”), bullying (“Skate Expectations”), and faith in God (“Twister and Shout”).
Mary Stevens of the Chicago Tribune described the children’s series as “exceptional”, and said that “the production quality is top-notch”. Stevens goes on to say that the series “offers an entertaining mixture of live action, animation and well-written stories with positive moral messages”, and despite being based on Bible principles “the series isn’t excessively preachy or pushy”.
That was a long-winded way to say, McGhee is a McHotee. The baby boy has a certain “whatever–take the photo if you want, I’m always ready” aura about him that very few people can catch in a work headshot. Take this and line it up against any Presidential portrait, and I GUARANTEE the First Ladies are stopping at his frame more than George Washington or Dick Henry (or whatever the other president’s name is–can’t think of one).
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get his attention: Impersonating a police officer before a large family leaves for vacation, like in Home Alone.
Number Six: Every Dark-Haired Cop with Facial Hair
Yawwwwwn.
I get it, you’re objectively attractive by “he looks like a bartender that can kinda lift weights at the gym” standards. It’s a scientific fact (okay, not really) that if you gather five guys with dark hair and facial hair, you’ve accidentally summoned a casting call for a Netflix thriller. Suddenly, you’re surrounded by five dudes who all look like they’re named either Jake or Matt or Jaktt, all wearing Brewery T-shirts, sipping lattes, and brooding like they’ve got a dark past, or just forgot their AirPods.
One might be your barista, another a tattoo artist, two are definitely in a band called Velvet Ghost, and the last one? Probably your ex. Or your next ex. Either way, they all look like they give great Spotify recommendations and questionable dating advice.
I’m not saying they’re not hot. I am saying they all probably unironically play Fortnite once their girlfriends/wives go to bed. You can do that and be hot! And they do!
Crime I’d (hypothetically) commit to get their attention: Sneak blonde hair dye into their shampoo.
Number Five: Sgt. B Wilcox
When all your male co-workers look like extras in a Marvel Superhero fight scene, how can you stand out on the hotness meter? Easy. Look like this guy.
Mr. Wilcox has the strongest “Rom-Com Best Friend that Turns into a Love Interest” face I’ve ever seen in Newnan. I can just picture him being in the friend zone for the first 70 minutes of a film before, boom, one magical night, Aubrey Plaza realizes he’s THE ONE.
Imagine it…
In the charming town of Newnan, Georgia, Sgt. B. Wilcox is the dependable hometown hero. He is respected by the community, loved by dogs, and perpetually friend-zoned by his best friend, and favorite Leaf and Bean barista, Aubrey Plaza.
She’s sharp-tongued, chaotic, and recently heartbroken. He’s steady, loyal, and carries two things: a badge and a torch he’s held quietly for years. But when one magical night under the Court Square lights turns a decades-long friendship upside down, Aubrey starts to wonder: what if the person she’s been looking for has been right next to her in a squad car this whole time?
Quirky, heartwarming, and full of speeding tickets, “Code 4: Love” is the Southern small-town rom-com you didn’t know you needed. Sometimes, love pulls you over when you least expect it. Releasing December 24th in select theaters.
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get his attention: Selling bootleg DVDs of “Code 4: Love” on the square
Number Four: Ofc J Tatum
You know when you’re not the type of gentleman to use words like “shawtay,” but then you come across someone and the only words you can think of are those specific words? Meet Tatum. Tatum Shawtay, as she’ll now be known in my home.
Thankfully, the only middle school behavior I am guilty of is using Axe Body Spray instead of taking showers, so no one has to worry about hearing any of those nicknames in person.
I had the pleasure of meeting Tatum about a month ago. I approached her Police Cruiser, tippy-tapped on her window, and asked, “Who from the Newnan PD deserves to be on the Top Ten list?” She answered. And chatted with me. AND gave me a coupon book that allows me to commit four crimes, free of arrest, before my next birthday!
That last part is a lie. Don’t get her in trouble.
She’s got the kinda face that could work in any profession–know what I mean?
There’s Tatum, the dolphin trainer.
Oh, hey Tatum, how were your second graders today?
Tatum! I can’t believe you scored 70 points in your WNBA debut!
Wow, Tatum. Great sermon today!
Of course, I look great! Tatum designed my dress!
Tatum, don’t mix cow DNA with ostrich DNA! The world isn’t ready for the Cowstrich!
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get her attention: Steal someone’s cow and ostrich–to prove Tatum right.
Number Three: Ofc Baez
As I looked at this photo of Baez, one thing became clear: I can’t do her justice. I’m but a weeble journalist, ranking people based on shallow reasons, while looking like the human equivalent of an updated Wendy’s (still ugly–but not as ugly as I could be).
No. I couldn’t trust myself to accurately represent her. If we were in court, I her lawyer, and she were being charged with a heinous crime, I’d not be able to accurately represent her. And she’d get 40 years in prison. She’s 40 years in prison hot.
(I don’t even know what that compliment means)
But thankfully, science can measure her hottily temperature. After conducting some research on the internet, I found a website that allows me to upload a photo and have its algorithm determine how attractive the person is.
For reference, I ran a photo of myself wearing a Todoroki costume through the system (the hottest I’ve ever looked), and it gave me a 7.89.
Baez blazed through with an 8.19!
The average person on their scale lands just above 6.10, which means Baez is 819% hotter than the average person (I think that math checks out!).
But I hear you. “Harold, you can’t use a random system on the internet! That’s how you get a virus!”
Malware be damned! Baez is objectively worth a virus. And my computer is still working grea-342390974343434#%$#(*#@$#(&#$@(@P(#@NOWLOADINGDARKWEB#@(#$!@&$(!24134!
I took it a step further and funded a full scientific research team to give us the results:
Abstract:
This study presents a comprehensive, peer-reviewed examination into the widely circulated claim that Officer Baez is, in fact, “hot.” Through a combination of empirical observation, biometric analysis, sociocultural assessment, and survey data, we evaluate the veracity of this claim across diverse populations. Our findings offer conclusive support for the assertion.
1. Introduction:
The term “hot,” while colloquial, generally denotes an individual’s perceived physical attractiveness, often encompassing facial symmetry, physical fitness, charisma, and social appeal. Officer Baez has emerged as a subject of viral attention, prompting this investigation into the scientific basis for such acclaim.
2. Methodology:
2.1 Participants:
A randomized sample of 1,200 individuals aged 18–65 from diverse gender identities, cultural backgrounds, and geographic locations.
2.2 Stimuli:
Participants were shown a standardized image set of Officer Baez in uniform and civilian attire under controlled lighting conditions.
2.3 Measures:
- Visual Attractiveness Rating Scale (VARS): 1–10
- Galvanic Skin Response (GSR) for physiological arousal
- Eye-tracking metrics (fixation duration, gaze heatmaps)
- Qualitative descriptors (e.g., “smoldering,” “stunning,” “distractingly fine”)
3. Results:
- Mean VARS Score: 9.4 (SD = 0.6), placing Officer Baez in the 97th percentile of all known attractive individuals.
- GSR Data: 86% of participants showed statistically significant spikes in physiological arousal when viewing Officer Baez compared to a neutral baseline.
- Eye-tracking: Participants exhibited prolonged gaze duration on facial features and biceps, indicating focal points of perceived attractiveness.
- Qualitative Feedback: 74% used terms consistent with intense attraction. Comments included: “a jawline that could cut glass,” and “the definition of serve and protect… and serve again.”
4. Discussion:
The data confirm a robust cross-demographic consensus: Officer Baez is objectively and subjectively hot. While attractiveness remains partly subjective, biometric responses and consistent verbal descriptors strengthen the claim’s validity.
Factors contributing to Baez’s hotness likely include:
- Strong facial symmetry (measured at 98.7% alignment)
- Confident demeanor
- High muscle-to-fat ratio
- Tactical uniform enhancement effect (TUEE)
5. Conclusion:
Based on the preponderance of biometric and perceptual data, we conclude with high confidence that Officer Baez is scientifically hot. Further studies may explore the societal impact of Officer Baez’s hotness on local crime deterrence and community morale.
Funding:
This research was made possible by the Department of Aesthetic Inquiry and the Harold Validation Initiative (HVI).
Conflicts of Interest:
Researchers deny all rumors of bias due to Officer Baez’s smile. Probably.
Keywords: Officer Baez, attractiveness, hotness, biometric response, uniform effect, law enforcement aesthetics.
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get her attention: Create a loud domestic disturbance by yelling at the one cat I have that won’t stop sleeping on my neck in the middle of the night
Number Two: Lt. A Rowe
When browsing through the images of police officers to decide who was the hottest (what a weird sentence to write out), one man stuck out to me in a very special way. Mr. Rowe looks the least interested in being called hot. Of all the PD, of all the photos, of all the personalities, this man looks like he’d have a legitimate problem if I made prolonged eye contact with him and said, “dude, you’re hot.”
He’d probably respond with something like, “stupid is as stupid does,” or “alright then,” or “if it looks like a skunk, acts like a skunk, and smells like a skunk, then it’s probably a skunk,” or “and that’s your opinion,” or “NASCAR’s on at 12.”
He would be the least interested in anything I had to say, and you know what? That kind of indifferent confidence only makes him hotter. He strikes me as the type of fella that won’t even read this list. Even when everyone in the station is telling him, “you’re number two!” he’ll simply sip his coffee and go, “howboutthat?”
What. A. Man.
Crime I’d (hypothetically) commit to get his attention: Not bow my head during prayer? I don’t know. He looks like he’d get mad at that.
Number One: Ofc Hubbard
You know that moment in Disney movies, where the Princess has been singing for 45 minutes about wanting to meet a charming Prince to sweep her off her feet, and then he finally shows up and he’s exactly what she was hoping for? Hubbard is the Happily Ever After of Hot Cops.
I bet a Disney casting director would just GUSH about him in their diary…
Today was not a typical day in casting. I was reviewing community outreach footage for a separate project—local police departments doing PR—and that’s when I saw him. Officer Hubbard. Newnan Police Department. Georgia. Let me be clear: this man didn’t just walk into the frame—he entered it like a scene was written around him. I’m talking Prince Eric presence with Prince Naveen charm, Li Shang poise, and just enough Flynn Rider eyebrow to make you wonder if he’s already signed a Disney contract behind our backs. First impression? Regal but approachable. He’s got the kind of posture that says “I command respect” but the smile that follows it with “and I give it freely.” Clean-cut, square-jawed, eyes like he actually listens when woodland creatures talk. Physically, he fits the animated archetype effortlessly. Broad shoulders. Tall frame. Athletic build—effortless, not performative. He doesn’t try to be charming. He just is. There’s a stillness to him, like he knows who he is, and he’s not threatened by the drama around him. Which, frankly, is the key to every Disney prince ever. And then he spoke. Warm. Measured. Slight Southern lilt that could melt frost off a castle gate. You could practically hear the background score swell. If this man told you he was going to cross an enchanted forest to protect your kingdom, you’d hand him the horse and the map and write the ballad yourself. If Disney hasn’t cast him yet, it’s because they haven’t seen him. He’s not just fit for a Disney Prince role, because he is the role. In another timeline, he’s already animated. More tomorrow. Maybe.
Look, why don’t I just show you?
Crime I’d commit (hypothetically) to get his attention: Post negative things on the internet about the new live-action Disney Princesses
Newnan Time with Harold 