THE CHAIR: BLOOD ON THE BRICKS OF SENOIA
Porch Fest wasn’t all strummed guitars and lemonade stands. Somewhere between the cover of “Sweet Caroline” and a drunk VOMITING in a craft tent, the streets got mean. A black metal chair vanished from in front of Fox Hollow Antiques. Not walked off. Not borrowed. Taken.
And the way it was taken has been described as “too violent for words.”
The scene left behind looked like a crime photo the city paper was too scared to print. Scuff marks on the brick. A smear of rust-colored streaks that weren’t rust. Neighbors swear they heard metal legs scraping concrete like a scream you couldn’t shut up. Someone dragged that chair away kicking, thrashing, fighting for its life.
“This wasn’t an accident,” muttered one shopkeeper, lighting a cigarette with shaking hands. “This was an execution.”
The Hollow wants answers, and in this city, answers don’t come cheap. Rumors circle that it was a rival antique gang, the kind who’d cut your throat over a Victorian lamp. Others say it was some Porch Fest burnout who got blackout drunk and decided to take a trophy home. Either way, Fox Hollow isn’t treating this like petty theft, NO, they’re treating it like war.
Downtown is closed down. Every empty stoop feels like a crime scene. Every black metal shadow looks like a ghost. And if you think this is just about a chair, you don’t know how fast things can spiral in a town built on Crooks.
Find the chair. Help Senoia Police Department, GA
Senoia’s Top Chair Culprits: The Harold Ranking
- Rival Antique Gang (a.k.a. The Victorian Vigilantes)
- Why #1: They have the skills, the rage, and the inexplicable obsession with mid-century chairs. Who else drags furniture screaming down brick streets like it’s auditioning for a horror movie?
- Porch Fest Partygoer / Blackout Trophy Hunter
- Why #2: Alcohol-fueled bravado makes even the smallest chair feel like the Iron Throne. This suspect probably thinks dragging a chair through downtown earns festival points.
- Opportunistic Local Mischief-Maker
- Why #3: Known for pranks like gluing garden gnomes to cars and replacing stop signs with “Dance Here” signs. Stealing a chair violently? Classic over-the-top mischief.
- Unknown Professional Thief (possibly a chair whisperer)
- Why #4: Could it be a shadowy figure who specializes exclusively in black metal chairs? Maybe. But honestly, their efficiency makes the chaos above look suspiciously amateur.
- Ellis Crook
- It’s in his name.
Newnan Time with Harold 