Well, it finally happened! There is finally an area of Peachtree City that is worse off than Newnan. And while most of us assumed it would be their horny lil’ neighborhoods, the surprise came when it was our Walmart that was crowned superior.
Yes. The Peachtree City Walmart burned to the GROUND!
OK, maybe not to the ground. But it burned enough! It’s all anyone is talking about! My child was literally born TODAY but I’ve been so preoccupied that I went ahead and named him PTCFIREWTF! That is the reality we are in, people!
But a few big questions remain:
When can we rebuy Sam’s Choice Soda? I need to punish my kids for wanting caffeine.
Who STARTED THE FIRE?!
Well, worry not, because thanks to my outstanding detective work (scrolling through Facebook for 15 minutes), I have created a list of the most likely suspects, ranked from least to most likely!
I will say, this information should ABSOLUTELY be used in an investigation. I am always open to speaking to the police. I love the police. Thin Blue Line? Not with me. I get a THICC BLUE LINE! That’s true love. Y’all are posers.
Suspect #4 – It was Me
Look, I’m not going to lie or nothin’, but not only was I at PTC Walmart the day of the accident, but I was also smoking a full 12-pack of cigarettes! All at once! Like I was playing a damn panflute! Just huffin’ puffin’ and blowin’ the hoes down.
And when they asked me to stop, I didn’t. Because I’m a rebel. Ain’t NOBODY TELL HAROLD WHAT TO DO! This is America! The Land of the Free and Home of the World Series Champion Braves!
The reason I don’t think I am the likely suspect for the actual fire is that I always eat my cigs! I’m no cig-flicker. When I was done with those babies, I recycled in the most natural ways I know how! They don’t call me Resourceful Harold for nothing… ladies?
Suspect #3 – A Sentient Golfcart
How do we think these things feel? Being sat on, prodded, battery acid-ed, covered in Mocha-Coma-Catsmilk-Lattes, repeatedly left overnight at swinger parties. The list of aggression against these vehicles is always growing and always getting worse.
Is it TRULY out of the realm of possibility that one of them would wake up and say “you know what? Screw these guys.”
I believe it.
Suspect #2 – Duck Revenge
I see that beautiful lake behind the PTC library. But I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgotten the absolute eyesore–NO! SOULSORE that it became for years! PTC, famed for their focus on beauty, threw their hands up and said “i CaNt EvEn MaKe PoNdS wOrK!”
And while I can forgive it (since I don’t even live in PTC), the ducks couldn’t. If there’s one thing we ALL know about ducks… they NEVER forgive.
And if there’s a second thing we all know about ducks… they PACKING FLAMETHROWERS!
You brought it upon yourself.
Suspect #1 – The Wrath of the Peachtree City Mom
Picture This: It’s late in the evening. You just dropped Caeden-Braedyn off at karate, Madison-Peele is complaining about her all-natural Gucci soap having too many pearls in it, you missed your hot yoga class because Princess Butternut Squash had to get a doggy-mani-pedi, your husband left your “I hope you die” text on read, you just saw a 14-year old wearing the exact same outfit you are (and she’s wearing it BETTER!). Everything is coming up Universe and Nothing is coming up Chelsea.
You have a few options. Deal with it like an adult. Burn down a grocery store.
Can any of us look deep within our souls and say we wouldn’t do exactly the same thing Chelsea (probably) did? Be honest. Don’t be honest with the police. But be honest with yourself… Chelsea.
Newnan Time with Harold 