by School Mascot
Obviously, I haven’t been to every Coweta County Middle School, so any type of ranked list is going to have a bit of bias to it. But do you know what makes this list even more special? I’ve been to ZERO of them! You see, if you couldn’t tell by my horable spelllling and awwful us’e of grammeer:: Harold was home-schooled.
Nay was my middle school foot ever in a classroom! My first time in a classroom was at the age of twenty-something, playing the role of a teenage-something, for an independent film or some college video or silly church video – I don’t remember. It was someone with a camera and they told me to come into the room and they let me keep my pants on. I’ll do anything if I get to keep my pants on!
So if I were to judge Coweta County Middle Schools on their educational merit, I’d be both a hypocrite and an idiot. And I can assure you – I am only 1 of those things.
But if there’s one thing I can judge a school on, it’s what they allow as a mascot. Because for real, what criteria must one possess to be a mascot critic? I have watched sports my entire life. I once had a job wearing the Wings N’ Things chicken suit. I like cats. I like classic pro-wrestling. Clemson and Auburn both suck and it only half has to do with Tigers. That is all it takes.
So, how do the Coweta County Middle Schools rank on my List of Best Mascots?
7th Place: East Coweta Middle School Indians
There are two reasons this is the lamest of the lame. Firstly, uhhhhhhh. Hello? East Coweta High School is already the Indians! You can’t have two Indians! What are they, related, or something? It almost makes it seem like the schools are connected, but one is for middle school and one is for high school! Ludicrous! There’s no East Coweta Elementary Baby Indians! …But maybe that’s not such a bad idea.
Secondly, I don’t need to see Tyler or Chad or Evan or Kylen or Chyler or Evelyn running around dressed up as an Indian while I’m trying to boo your kids. Sheesh. You’re distracting my bullying with your cultural appropriation.
6th Place: Smokey Road Middle School Wildcats
Nice try, Smokey Road! I’ve seen this foot before!
On first glance, you’re thinking what everyone in the entire world is thinking: “Wow! It’s the Tigers! And also, how is this website staying up, considering everyone in the entire world is on it at the same time?”
But no, no, no. You see, sneaky Lil’ Smokey just wants you to THINK its mascot is a tiger, but really, it’s a Wildcat. SEMANTICS! And perhaps, in theory, it is not a tiger, but a much more interesting type of cat not connected to Clemson or Auburn.
If true, have the GUTS to commit to a breed! I don’t call myself Crazy Man! I call myself Harold! Not proudly, mind you, but I still call myself it!
5th Place: Madras Middle School Eagles
BAKAW!
The sound of an Eagle, I’m assuming.
Look, we’re getting to the Top 5 and none of these mascots are absolute trash like 6 and 7 are. An Eagle as a mascot is actually pretty cool, because if I said otherwise, I’d be communist.
Wait – they’re not the bald eagles? Just the Eagles?!
NEVERMIND!
An Eagle as a mascot is lazy when the option is right there to be the bald eagles! Literally 1 extra word and you could’ve been the county’s favorite team by default. Mr. & Mrs. Madras should be ashamed. You’re even using an Eagle image that is clearly a bald eagle, but won’t just call your mascot “America’s Favorite Animal, the Bald Eagle”? Where’s the courage and bravery?! That’s not very USA of Madras! So close to being a good mascot. So close.
4th Place: Evans Middle School Cougars
Hey, Smokey Road. Over here. You see this? This is the name of a cat! It doesn’t describe the cat. It’s not the “Wacky Tigers” or the “Slut Shaming Leopards”. It just says Cougars. And in the simplicity, I can picture the beast that would maul me to death. I’m not picturing a wild cat flashing everyone from the sunroof of a limo.
And from about 15-minutes of digging, we discovered countless uses of “The Cougar Den” across EMS social media accounts. Tying your mascot in to further areas of your school beyond athletics is a bold, impressive, appreciated move!
Thank you, Evans.
3rd Place: Blake Bass Middle School Bulldogs
Yo. I really dig this one.
(Don’t you like how I said “yo” to make it seem more formal?)
Blake Bake is already a STRONG, dominant school name and then hitting a 3rd B with the Bulldogs is just so satisfying. B. B. B. Blake Bass Bulldogs. And that’s not even giving them props for the obvious “everyone is obsessed with UGA” slant they hit so smoothly. Blake Bass understood the assignment and they aced it from top-to-bottom.
2nd Place: Arnall Middle School Knights
We have left animals! Finally! And have landed on the fantastical wonders that come from imagining the great Knights in a battlefield! Shows like Game of Thrones dominated TV ratings while shows about wildcats weren’t watched by anyone (except people on Smokey Road). Fantasy video games, tabletop roleplays, dressing up, fictional novels at bedside tables – Knights kick (pardon my ye olde English) ass and have continued to evolve long after their historical beginnings. It’s Knights of the Round table, not Eagles of the Roundabout.
1st Place: Lee Middle School Timberwolves
There is no name in the history of sports cooler than “Timberwolves” and that is a well-known fact. There is no argument that can be made. It can’t even be discussed. If you say another name as an option, that team will cease to exist. Saying “Timber” on it’s own is lame (sorry Kesha…) and saying “wolves” on its own is lame (and scary). But together, like a perfect night of love potion making, excellence is executed.
Timberwolves.
If you say it three times in the mirror, a wildcat will appear to be eaten by a Timberwolf. Potentially a vicious tiger. But could be a drunk kitten. Give it a shot.
Timberwolves! Timberwolves! Timberwolves!
Newnan Time with Harold 