Let’s get physical, physical. I wanna get physical. Let’s get into physics, yeah! Lemme hear your Newnan talk. Your Newnan talk!
Ah, my favorite song from Grease…
Today we are exploring the nastiest parts of Harold’s mind and connecting them to Newnan–as we often do. Who are THE hottest celebrities in the entire world and what are their Newnan counterparts? It’s a question no one was asking, but Harold is answering.
Now, we appreciate that the words “hot” and “celebrity” are vague and depend on person-to-person. What you will see from me today are celebrities on the A or B list. I won’t throw any random British YouTuber (but I see you Emily Blackery…) at you and expect you to know of their work-work-work-work-work. These are people who are exposed to millions-n-millions anytime they perform.
Newnan is less vague, but we might still throw a few Senoia/Sharpsburg references into this. I don’t know. I have no idea which counterparts remind me of the hotties. I will start writing and see what happens!
So hey. You’re welcome. Without me, you wouldn’t get to see any hot people. With that said, let’s get the obvious out of the way first (and not official):
:PHOTO OF HAROLD:
My Newnan counterpart is obviously that long, thick water tower with an N on it—N is for “Now we’re getting it on, ladies.”
Rhea Ripley
The most beautiful woman in professional wrestling HISTORY? Maybe not. Mae Young exists. But Rhea Ripley is the “Mami” of pro wrestling for a reason. She’s built like the second-to-final boss in a souls-like game. She is curvy, tall, strong, and unique and will eat you in the ring.
With the inclusion of Rhea Ripley, WWE went from overdressed to overblessed. If your man says, “She is NOT attractive, honey,” know he’s lying through his “please piledrive me” teeth.
Newnan Counterpart: Line Creek Brewing The Reserve. Beer, beautiful spaces, plenty of room for a fight, music, and they host pro wrestling there.
Jensen Ackles
Baby boy, what’s your name?
Lemme talk to you, lemme kill you a ghoul.
I’m T-Pain, you know me.
You’re so cute with such a dope booty.
Lemme BUY YOU A DRANK!
I’ve watched Supernatural for years and wish I could do it without a teacup of drool running down my chin. I’ve tried. It can’t be done. Out of respect, each supernatural episode should come with a drool teacup.
Fellas, your lady wishes she was a demon so that she could get extinguished by Jensen Ackles hands. I know it’s unfair, but if you loved your lady, you’d find a way to be Jensen Ackles. It’s hard out there for a non-Ackles.
Newan Counterpart: OneLife Fitness. Why that gym? Because it’s my gym. And the only person in Newnan to compare to Jensen Ackles is clearly Mr. H-A-R-old.
Idris Elba
I did a 50 Celebrity tournament a few years back with all my friends, and after 2,000 votes, IDRIS ELBA was named the Celebri-hotty of the people! I get it. Look at the boy! LOOK AT HIM!
He is handsome in every typical sense of the world, an incredible actor, and a mature mind. He’s the type of celebrity you probably wouldn’t scream and jump at but shake his hand and never wash it.
Newnan Counterpart: None. This man is Peachtree City.
Sabrina Carpenter
This baby girl is new to Harold’s realm, but she’s got just the right amount of quirk to make me fall deeply and madly in “she hot” with her. She stands out from most artists I’ve seen before by skillfully blending serious and cutting songs with humorous and Sexxy (Red) lyrics. She’s a genius.
She’s a bit itty-bitty, but just like Alan Jackson (I think) always says:
“Well, it’s alright to be little bitty
A little blonde singer in a big ole city
Mighty good smile, Mighty good eyes
Stare at her for a little bitty while”
Newnan Counterpart: Leaf & Bean. She’s got a Leaf & Bean employee/musical guest vibe that we can all appreciate.
Megan Thee Stallion
Newnan Time with Harold 