Here it is with all dashes replaced by commas:
BREAKING NEWS: John Cena’s final match is officially scheduled for the Ghetto Kroger parking lot in Newnan, and people all over Coweta County are absolutely losing their minds. WWE claims they wanted something “memorable and gritty,” but nobody expected them to go this gritty, like “set the ring between the busted shopping cart corral, the world-famous potholes, and that one rusty bicycle that’s been chained to the same pole since April” gritty. Locals are already placing bets on whether the bell will ring before someone’s car alarm goes off.
To choose Cena’s final opponent, WWE launched The Last Time Is Now tournament, basically a farewell bracket for the greatest of all time. Fans online have circled two heavy favorites from the very start.
Gunther, the Ring General himself, has been chopping through the roster all year like he’s owed back pay for every match. His dominance has people convinced he’s the “real” final boss Cena has to face before walking off into Hollywood retirement.
And then there’s Jey Uso, who’s somehow more popular than Newnan teens vaping in a NHS classroom. He’s been on a hot streak, knocking out opponents with pure charisma, crowd energy, and the occasional superkick that looks like it came from HBK himself.
Most viewers think it’s going to come down to one of these two stepping into that Kroger parking lot with Cena and writing the last line of his career.
But now, because Newnan can never just be normal, a rumor has exploded online about a mystery Newnan high school dropout who somehow made it into the tournament lineup. Nobody believed it at first, since the only local athletes people can name are the guys who do parkour off the town square benches. But word is this kid might have some weird, unexplained leverage over Triple H. Nobody knows what the “dirt” is, but knowing Newnan, it could be anything from an embarrassing parking lot story to photo evidence of him mispronouncing “Sharpsburg.”
The wildest part? He’s reportedly showing up on Raw to face Solo Sikoa. If he wins, even by accident, he could end John Cena’s legendary run. Imagine Cena, a 16-time world champion with two decades of iconic moments, from battling Edge and AJ Styles to carrying WWE through the late 2000s, losing his retirement match to someone who literally grew up five minutes away from the Ghetto Kroger. It would be the biggest upset since someone let Seven Brew become a traffic hazard.
No matter what happens, the world will be watching. The Last Time Is Now, and apparently, it’s happening behind a Kroger.
Newnan Time with Harold 