BREAKING: DISTRICT 3 TIM RYAN SPARKS “EXTRATERRESTRIAL ORIGIN” CONTROVERSY
The Citizen, CCSO, and Times editor Clay Neely are reportedly facing confusion after claims surfaced that District 3 candidate Tim Ryan “failed to disclose non-terrestrial origin” on official paperwork.
According to unnamed online sources, critics allege the application was incomplete because it did not include:
- Planet of origin
- Native alien species designation
- Or proof of compliance with “standard Earth political immersion requirements”
Some commenters insist Ryan may be from a region of space known locally as The Velmar Cluster, where, according to totally verified Facebook anthropology, elections are decided by telepathic debate and property taxes are paid in “quantum crystals.”
Ryan issued a brief clarification stating that Coweta County “does not currently maintain records for off-world residency,” and added that interplanetary disclosure “is not part of the standard candidate packet at this time.”
Clay Neely was reportedly overheard saying, “We are once again asking people to be open when working with entire alien civilizations.”
Meanwhile, the Coweta County School System confirmed it has no jurisdiction over admissions, transcripts, or records from the planet Zyphor-9, where residents allegedly age backwards and have 9 ears.
At press time, Ryan remained unresponsive to requests for comment from the Galactic Ethics Committee and calls the entire thing a smear campaign. Problem is, when he said it it sounded like “zeep zorp zurg zarg zeep.”
Newnan Time with Harold 