EDITORIAL: Newnan Has a “Not Ninja Turtle” Problem and City Leaders Must Act

For years, Newnan residents have been told that our city is growing, thriving, and preparing for the future. But after personally entering several local sewer systems and finding zero Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it has become clear that Newnan is facing a crisis nobody wants to discuss.

Not a Ninja Turtle crisis.

A “not Ninja Turtle” crisis.

I went underground expecting to find four teenage reptiles trained in martial arts, living beneath the city and surviving primarily on pizza. Instead, I found damp tunnels, mysterious smells, and what appeared to be a very disappointed raccoon.

No Leonardo.

No Michelangelo.

No Donatello.

No Raphael.

Not even a suspiciously athletic turtle wearing a bandana.

Frankly, this is embarrassing.

Other cities may have thriving downtown districts, major employers, or impressive infrastructure. But what does Newnan have? A sewer system completely lacking in mutant turtle representation. How are we supposed to attract young families, tourists, or April O’Neil when visitors can walk directly into our underground tunnels without encountering a single turtle holding a nunchuck?

City officials must answer difficult questions:

Where are the turtles?

Why aren’t they teenagers?

Why have they not mutated?

And perhaps most importantly: Who is responsible for the complete absence of pizza-loving sewer ninjas?

Some residents may argue that Ninja Turtles are fictional. Those residents are exactly the kind of people who said Newnan would never get another roundabout, and look where we are now.

The city should immediately establish a Department of Turtle Readiness, appoint a Sewer Sensei, and begin placing complimentary pizza throughout the underground infrastructure. If turtles do not appear within 30 days, officials should consider importing four regular turtles and giving them karate lessons.

Newnan deserves better.

We deserve heroes.

We deserve pizza.

We deserve at least one sewer tunnel where somebody can yell, “Cowabunga!” without being asked to leave.

Until then, Newnan remains a city with many strengths—but tragically, and perhaps unforgivably, not enough Ninja Turtles.

• Daniel M.