In 2025, the first Newnan Porchfest came to Downtown Newnan: an ambitious music festival that celebrated community, local talent, unique vendors, and cover songs. I, Newnan Time with Harold, was unable to attend the event due to “I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t go” disease. With that being said, I still wrote a FULL TOP 10 RANKING OF THE BEST BANDS!

But a lot can change in one year:

Weather delays came and went.

Mayor Brady stepped down and willingly gave the mayoral crown to James Shepherd (or something like that) in a stunning Make-A-Wish-Esque moment of compassion.

Sprayberry’s BBQ scored a perfect 1,000 health score.

Alabama sucks at football again.

John Cena turned heel, turned babyface, and retired.

Harold had his first kiss.

More bands were contacted.

More vendors were vendo-cated.

More spots scheduled music.

And Harold decided to pull up his britches, tie them together with an old snake skin, spit tobacco (OK, dribble it down his chin), and GO TO HIS FIRST PORCHFEST!

So, the right thing to do for this year’s Top 10 would be to rank the best Newnan Porchfest performers based on talent, right?

But since when does Harold do what’s best? Exactly. I’ll do what’s funniest. And what’s funniest, is to once again rank the TOP TEN BEST PORCHFEST PERFORMERS BASED COMPLETELY ON THEIR NAMES!

Top 10 2026 Newnan Porchfest Performers

If you appeared on the 2025 list, you do not get to be on this list. Sorry, Elijah.

The porches are back. The music is back. The food trucks are back. The dogs are back. The people are back. Backstreet’s Back Alright. The questionable decisions made after consuming several VIP beverages in Downtown Newnan are almost certainly back.

And, unfortunately for everyone involved, I am back to rank the performers.

Welcome to the 2026 Newnan Porchfest Top 10 Performers, an annual list that has quickly become one of the most prestigious musical rankings in Coweta County despite having absolutely no legitimate qualifications behind it.

Last year, I did something that I believe very few professional music critics have ever dared to do: I ranked an entire music festival without attending it.

I wasn’t standing in front of a stage taking notes. I wasn’t analyzing guitar solos. I wasn’t studying vocal performances. I wasn’t talking to musicians afterward about their influences and under the influences. No.

And yet, somehow, I felt completely qualified to determine which musicians deserved to be considered among the very best performers at Newnan Porchfest.

Why? Their names.

And before you accuse me of being lazy, irresponsible or completely unqualified, let me remind you that those are all qualities that have served me extremely well throughout my adult life.

It was journalism at its purest.

Some people spend years studying music.

Some people go to college for music.

Some people play instruments for decades.

But Newnan Porchfest isn’t just a collection of musicians standing around playing songs. It’s an annual celebration of Downtown Newnan, local music, historic homes, community, art, food, drinks, vendors, dogs and thousands of people wandering around trying to figure out which porch they’re supposed to be standing in front of and accidentally ending up in a grandma’s basement.

For me, music criticism is about confidence.

I have asked myself important questions such as:

Does this sound like a band that owns matching jackets?

Does this sound like somebody who has a van?

Does this sound like a person who would let their girlfriend handle merch?

Does this sound like a band whose bassist is going through a divorce?

Does this sound like a band that would absolutely dominate a brewery on a Thursday night?

And most importantly:

Does this name make me want to hear them play, despite the fact that I have no idea whether they are actually good?

That final question is where the rankings get serious.

Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: I could be completely wrong. In fact, statistically speaking, I am. One of the performers I rank at number 10 could turn out to be the greatest musician to ever touch a guitar in Coweta County. The performer I rank number one could potentially be terrible. They could show up, play three chords, forget the lyrics, break a string and accidentally set a porch on fire.

And I would still stand by the ranking.

Because I have principles.

Very few principles.

But the ones I have are firm.

So before you angrily type, “Harold, you have clearly never heard this person perform,” please understand that I know. But if you want to know which Porchfest performer has the name most likely to make me say, “Oh, these people are definitely going to be good,” despite having absolutely no evidence whatsoever? You’ve come to the right place.

So, once again, I present the Newnan Time with Harold Officially Unofficial 2026 Newnan Porchfest Top 10 Performers.

And while I attended the event, I can not confirm that all the listed bands were active on the schedule. OH well:

Number 10 Best: Zach Stitch (Singer-Songwriter)

Experiment 626 has never sounded so good, and Zach Stitch is proof of that. Combining the name of a cool, backwards-hat-wearing skater kid with the greatest Disney alien of all time is a bold move and will surely pay off for Mr. Stitch. Zach is the name of the senior at High School that lies about his dad being a cop. Stitch is a lovable alien who learns about family in Hawaii. Combine those two, and this guy probably writes songs about his dad being a space cop.

I’m sure when Zach isn’t performing Sublime covers, he is playing Hawaiian dance tunes on his ukulele, and that is honestly a combination that I didn’t know I needed. I can’t wait to hear his cover of “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride.”

There’s also a pretty good chance that Zach Stitch has spent some time explaining to people that he is, in fact, not related to the Disney character. Nobody believes him. You tell someone your name is Zach Stitch and the first thing they’re going to ask is whether you’ve ever been to Hawaii. The second thing they’re going to ask is whether you know Elvis. The third thing they’re going to ask is whether you have six arms when you’re really tired.

I’m also willing to bet that Zach has the kind of stage presence where he casually says, “Here’s one I wrote,” and then proceeds to sing something incredibly heartfelt about growing up, leaving home and appreciating the people you love. And for approximately four minutes, everyone forgets that his last name is Stitch and starts wondering if maybe this is actually a deeply emotional performance about an alien learning the meaning of family.

Then, just as everyone gets emotional, he goes “wababababalalala” and starts destroying a spaceship.

That’s range.

Number 9 Best: The Duncan Brothers (Country)

The Duncan Brothers sounds less like a band and more like a book series about two mischievous little orphan boys who somehow keep outsmarting grown men in England. I don’t picture adults with guitars when I hear “The Duncan Brothers.” I picture Nigel and Oliver Duncan wearing matching sweaters, knee-high socks, and absolutely no parental supervision (or alive parents).

The Duncan Brothers and the Mystery of the Missing Bicycle. The Duncan Brothers and the Secret Passage Beneath the Estate. The Duncan Brothers and the Case of the Stolen Biscuits. These kids are constantly getting into trouble while some 60-year-old British man named Reginald is chasing them around a country estate with an old broom.

And yet, apparently, they’re a great band!

I have no idea what they actually sound like, but based strictly on the name, I’m expecting acoustic guitars, a harmonica, and at least one song that was written beside a foggy English pond. If they stop halfway through their Porchfest set and announce, “Quick, Duncan! He’s after our nickers!” before disappearing into the woods, I will consider the entire performance a success. What a great band and inspirational story. I can’t wait for book 4.

Number 8 Best: Spirit in the Room (Folk Gothic)

Spirit in the Room is not just a great band, but it’s something you would hear right before a paranormal investigation begins. “There’s a Spirit in the Room” is technically a statement, but it feels more like a warning. Normally, I would be concerned. But after hearing how amazing Spirit in the Room is, I’ve decided to embrace it.

Because if you’re going to have a spirit in the room, you might as well have some incredibly talented musicians providing the soundtrack as you talk to your dead grandpa about Civil War conditions.

Spirit in the Room is the kind of band that makes you stop and appreciate the moment. Their music is beautiful, their sound is memorable, and apparently there is the added possibility that your deceased relatives might decide to drop by during the performance. And honestly, I’m thankful for that. Where else am I going to get to enjoy great live music AND finally have a chance to talk to my dead grandmother to finally get that gravy recipe?

Maybe that’s what makes Spirit in the Room so special. They’re not just entertaining the people who are physically there. They’re bringing the whole family together. Living, dead, and even a demon.

So thank you, Spirit in the Room, for opening the door to the other side. If Grandma shows up during your set, I’ll be sure to tell her I finally found the casserole dish she was looking for. But I broke it. Please don’t curse me.

Number 7 Best: The Coodie Brown Concept (R&B/Soul)

The Coodie Brown Concept is less of a band name and more of a scientific theory that has somehow made its way onto the Porchfest lineup. At its core is a very simple question: What happens when a Coodie is Brown?

I don’t want to get too technical here, because the science surrounding the Coodie is still developing, but we can establish a few basic facts. Coodie is apparently something a person can possess, and Brown is apparently a measurable characteristic of that Coodie. Exactly where the Coodie is located remains classified information, but frankly, I think that’s what makes this such an exciting area of research.

The Coodie Brown Concept may represent a major breakthrough in our understanding of the human body. Is every Coodie capable of becoming Brown? Is Brown the natural state of a healthy Coodie? Can environmental factors affect the Brownness of a Coodie? These are questions that deserve serious scientific study.

And now, thanks to The Coodie Brown Concept, we may finally have the musical soundtrack to that research.

I have no idea what their best song songs like, but I sincerely hope it’s as groundbreaking as the science. Because if this band can help us understand the relationship between Coodie and Brown while also putting on such an excellent Porchfest performance, we’re witnessing something special.

For now, I’ll simply say that The Coodie Brown Concept has given us all something to think about. The Coodie is real. Brown is real. And apparently, the concept is real, too. Homeschooled.

Number Six Best: Red & The Revelers (Swamp Soul)

Red & The Revelers is a fantastic band, although I do have one major concern: I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce “Revelers.” I assume I have been saying it wrong for most of my life, and I refuse to go into Porchfest and embarrass myself in front of a group of musicians who clearly know how to pronounce it. Is it reveler or reveler?!?!

So, honestly, my primary goal for seeing Red & The Revelers perform is to hear them introduce themselves. I want to know exactly how long it takes them to say their own name. Is it “Red and the REV-el-ers”? Is there some fancy emphasis on the second syllable? Do they stretch it out? Do they just say the entire name quickly and confidently and leave me to figure it out?

I need answers.

I may spend the entire performance waiting for the moment when the singer says, “We’re Red & The Revelers,” just so I can finally learn how to pronounce “Revelers” correctly. And if they happen to play some amazing music along the way, that’s just a bonus. The anticipation makes them an easy 6 out of 10 band.

In fact, I sincerely hope they have a long set. Take your time, Red & The Revelers. Play every song you’ve got. Between songs, please introduce yourselves repeatedly. Say the name clearly. Say it slowly. Give us examples in a sentence. I am here to learn.

Number 5 Best: Pearl Bottom Radio (Rock)

Pearl Bottom Radio is the sexiest of the entire Porchfest lineup because it immediately raises one very important question: What exactly would Pearl Bottom Jeans look like? We all remember Apple Bottom Jeans, but I think Pearl Bottom is the sophisticated Newnan upgrade. Same basic concept, but instead of a pair of jeans making you look like you’re ready to be featured in a 2000s rap video, Pearl Bottom Jeans say, “I have excellent taste, and I know exactly what my booty is worth.”

And honestly, I want to see Hanley in some Pearl Bottom Jeans. I think she could absolutely pull them off. Give me some tasteful pearl detailing, a good pair of jeans, and suddenly we’re not just listening to Porchfest music anymore. We’re experiencing that MMMMMMMMM BABY.

That’s what made Pearl Bottom Radio so enjoyable for me. I could listen to their music while simultaneously appreciating the incredible rear-end representation happening throughout Downtown Newnan. It’s multitasking, really. One minute I’m enjoying the band, the next I’m looking around thinking, “You know what? Yeah…”

Pearl Bottom Radio has given us music, fashion inspiration, and a completely unnecessary new standard for judging dat thang. That’s a lot for one band to accomplish. I just hope the Pearl Bottom Jeans become a real thing, because I am ready to see the people of Newnan proudly representing that BOOTY. I love James Shepherd, but that Mayor ain’t done enough for the booty movement.

Number 4 Best: JK Duke (Folk)

JK Duke is a fantastic name for a performer because I like to imagine his entire set is built around one simple joke. He walks up and starts playing a Taylor Swift song. Everyone gets excited. Then he stops, looks at the crowd and says, **“JK.”** And suddenly he launches into something significantly better.

Maybe he does it five or six times. A little Olivia Rodrigo here. Some Sabrina Carpenter there. Then: “JK.” Back to the good stuff.

Honestly, I respect the commitment. JK Duke isn’t just a musician. He’s apparently a man who enjoys wasting everyone’s time before reminding us what real music sounds like. That’s sort of what I do. I waste your time, then remind you what real journalism looks like. JK Duke and I are very similar—perhaps even lovers… jk

Number 3 Best: Female Fiction (Indie)

Female Fiction is more than a band name. It is an ode to every completely fictional girlfriend I have ever created throughout my life. And believe me, there have been some incredible women who existed exclusively in conversations where someone asked, “So, who are you talking to these days?”

She went to another homeschool. She didn’t really use MySpace. She was Amish. If someone wanted to meet her, there was always a reason she couldn’t come. Birthday dinner. Family emergency. Out of town. Giving mouth to mouth to a dog.

Female Fiction makes me think about all the times I’ve essentially written a supporting character into my own life just to make myself seem slightly more interesting. Can you imagine hanging out in a treehouse with all your best dude friends, they’re all bragging about the girls they love them, but when it gets to you you’ve not done anything more than practiced making out on your oversized stuff monkey (this isn’t a euphonism)? You gotta make someone up. Sometimes she’s 7 feet tall. Sometimes she’s got a third boob. Sometimes you accidentally call her mom. Whatever it takes. This band gets me.

And honestly, I appreciate Female Fiction because it makes me comfortable being myself. I don’t have to pretend I have a mysterious girlfriend anymore. I can finally admit that some of the women I’ve talked about over the years were less “girlfriend” and more “concept.”

So thank you, Female Fiction, for giving a musical voice to the imaginary women of my past. They may not have been real, but they had great personalities, excellent taste in man and were remarkably flexible. Finally, they are getting the recognition they deserve. I’ll never forget my girlfriend mom—crap! No! Sorry. I did get it again.

I’ll never forget my girlfriend Jessica.

Number 2 Best: Nasty Nick (Rock)

Nasty Nick is not just a rocker. Nasty Nick is clearly an 80s professional wrestler who happens to play music between matches. I picture him arriving at Porchfest in full wrestling gear, climbing onto the porch and waiting for his custom entrance music to hit, being played by keyboard with his feet. And naturally, he wrote the theme song himself, because who else could possibly capture the terrifying redneck majesty (redneckjesty) of Nasty Nick?

His wrestling career is legendary. He doesn’t just pin opponents; he humiliates them. He throws them into folding chairs, rakes their backs, spits Natty in their faces and probably does something deeply disgusting with a bucket of bait before the bell rings. He has a finishing move with a name like the Nasty Bomb, and the referee has to spend half the match wondering whether he’s allowed to legally do whatever Nick is currently doing. Nick don’t care. He was raised on Louisiana gator fights and Divorce Court reruns.

Then the bell rings, Nasty Nick grabs a guitar and suddenly he’s a rock star. I love that his entire music career is just another part of the gimmick. Every song is an entrance theme. Every guitar solo is a taunt. Every applause is another opportunity to point at an opponent in the crowd and challenge them to a steel-cage match.

Some musicians have stage presence. Nasty Nick has ring presence. And if he ends his Porchfest set by dropping an elbow onto an unfortunate amplifier, I’ll know the Nasty Nick era has revived the Paul Heyman led ECW.

Number 1 Best: Pilliard Dickle (Singer-Songwriter)

Pilliard Dickle is one of those names that can only be said at a singer-songwriter’s show without immediately getting you in trouble. Anywhere else, you say “Pilliard Dickle” out loud and there’s a pretty good chance mom is reaching for a bar of soap.

But at Porchfest, it’s art.

There is something beautifully innocent about sitting on a porch while a guy with an teeny guitar introduces himself as Pilliard Dickle. In any other setting, that name could earn you a very stern conversation with your principle. Here, it earns you a round of applause.

I also appreciate that Pilliard Dickle gives us options. Depending on how the performance goes, cheering his name could get you invited to dinner by a very adventurous throuple or hit with a switch you had to choose for yourself from your dads garden. Either way, you’re probably getting spanked.

And that’s the beauty of Porchfest: nobody questions anyone’s creative goals. A man can walk onto a porch, say “I’m Pilliard Dickle,” and everyone has a great time.